lunch is as lunch does

I found myself doing lunch alone again today. Since I haven't established myself as a regular member of any group (and apparently don't really want to), I need to go looking for people; they aren't going to call me.

It's a complicated situation for me: I don't want to be alone, and would like it if others would seek me out, but I don't want to be compelled to always be with the same person/people. Most people go to lunch with either their office- or department-mates. Mine are two religious people who don't go out. The nearest group is three young 20something women that I'd rather not spend my lunch hour with. And my office is at the dead-end of a long corridor, so no one accidentally passes by, either.

So today I headed out alone, and by chance found myself waiting for the elevator with three managers going out together. (Needless, I think, to mention that I am not a manager.) I would have been very comfortable with the two men, but the woman, davka, is the vp of hr, a hefty and formidable type who turns warmth on an off with little warning. Our only conversations are stilted and formal, and I'd rather keep a certain distance, especially considering that I assume hr people are at all times on the alert to learn and condemn you for your most closely-guarded secrets. (No, I do not have any trust issues.)

When we all emerged from the elevator at the main floor and I started heading in a different direction, she genially said, "Come eat with us." It was an invitation, not a command. An uncomfortable moment ensued, as I asked where they were going: the company dining room -- boring meat and veg. -- I answered that I preferred the vegetarian place. We parted ways. But then I saw the vegetarian place had a long lineup and an unappealing menu today, so I hurried to catch up with them and said I'd changed my mind. I don't know how that went over, but I was going for "I have no problem looking silly". That was just the beginning.

My problem with eating with Hebrew-speakers is that I often can't follow the conversation in a fluid way. I miss a lot in a noisy restaurant, particularly with people not speaking directly to me. Fearful of making a comment that either repeats what has already been said, or worse, is jarringly unrelated to the conversation in progress (despite what I think I've understood), I end up contributing little and feeling like a dullard.

So the three of them were talking about their kids, all of whom are older than mine, and one was saying something about how kids learn early to be competitive in the academic world. I commented that mine wasn't there yet, and he responded that they get it even from age 10, and that it comes from their parents. I answered that I'm the opposite, that I tell my daughter, who's 12, not to get stressed out over her marks. Whereupon the hr lady immediately challenged me with, "But what you're teaching her is like a slap in the face of society."

I was stunned into silence by her remark. Not only because it was a shockingly conservative, old-school view, but also because I didn't feel comfortable debating the issue with her. Great, I thought, now she's flagged me as the rebellious type, obviously a troublemaker. From my bad-little-me perspective she was the teacher who could fail you if you stepped out of line, and I was clearly threatened by her position.

Not being a person who needs company for company's sake, this sort of thing is hard on me. I prefer to eat alone rather than endure stressful dining companions. Hell, I'd prefer to avoid her entirely, with or without food.

When I explained that my daughter is quite challenged academically and I don't see any point in putting more pressure on her, one of the guys came to my defense, saying I'm obviously aware of the issues and making an effort to deal with them. But the unpleasantness didn't dissipate. The train wreck continued as I knocked over a flimsy plastic cup full of water and soaked the tablecloth from edge to edge.

I think I need a break from people.